I’ve always been the person to be there for anyone who needed a shoulder to cry on, vent to when they needed venting, help them through thier times of need but it’s not the same when the tables are turned. Nobody is there for me. I either get lectured, put down even more or have been told I’m overreacting. I’m tired of it. I have so much going on in my life right now and so much to think about that its eating at me from the inside, out. I’ve distanced myself from so many people because I don’t trust anyone anymore. Excluding one person. Only because I’ve been hurt so many times before from people I thought wouldn’t hurt me. With so much on my plate right now, I can’t deal with it. So that’s why I’ll keep everything in and keep a smile on my face like I’m happy. I’m pretty good at that.
I am. I’m sick and tired of being the person I am now. I’m changing from this day forth. No back-outs. I always say I want to be thinner, healthier, less depressed, etc but I never really do anything about it. Well, I’m done saying stuff, I’m taking action. This year will be a fresh start for me.
So far I’ve..
- Started a fashion/beauty channel on youtube
- Lost 5 lbs (just the start of my journey)
- Started ‘Bare Raw Productions’ with my bestfriend, our first gig is the 25th!
What I have to look forward to..
- My 18th birthday (January 24th!)
- Losing more weight
- Summer trips to Cali, NY, and Seattle
Why do I waste my time into liking him when I know he would never, ever feel the same about me? I’m just so fat, ugly and a waste of space. I’ve never known what it’s like to be in a relationship. To have somebody hold you when your sad, cuddle with when I’m cold, watch movies with when I’m bored, to even have my first kiss. It really hurts because I watch all my friends have that and see other people take their boyfriend or girlfriend forgranted. I wish someone could be in my shoes for a week, see and feel how it is to be me. Feel that empty hole in your chest. Nobody understands how almost everyday is a struggle. I always think.. Maybe if I was skinner, prettier, sportier, etc, how would life be like? I’m tired of always liking someone and just knowing they will never give me a chance. I always wonder what people think about me. Have I ever been someone’s definition of beautiful? Probably not. I feel repulsive. Some days I don’t even want him looking at me because I feel so ugly. Depression just diminshes my self-confidence. Most days I just want to cry because of it but I hold it in because I don’t want people to see me so vulnerable. I just wish for once in my pathetic life, things go my way for a change. Just once.
of writing this poem to describe how I’m feeling right now. Mad, upset, and let down. This should be a good one. If I didn’t have my journal to write in I don’t know what I’d do. I’m more upset then I am mad but I’m mad because I got let down. This stops here. It has to. To much denial. Letting it out in this pink cherry blossom journal, maybe I’ll post it on here then again maybe not.
Being happy is simple
But also the hardest thing to feel
I thought I said my final goodbyes
But I feel it
I feel it creeping it’s way back to me
Why?
Things are turning back, turning back like the past
My will-power has been strong but for how much longer?
I want to be the brightest light to defeat the evil that succumbs the troubled
The journey is hard because the ones that supposed to love you
Love you the most, bring me down
Drag me back down to depression
My parents always complain about the money we spend or things we do that at to much money and stuff like that but meanwhile they go gamble it on slots and shit. That’s wasting money! Are they fucking dumb? Ugh, pisses me off. On top of that my dad never sees a positive look in me. He was never, ever like that. We were so close and had fun all the time and now it’s different and I hate it. I’m so fucking pissed right now. And on top of that, I feel like I’ve been annoying my best friend because I want to hangout with her at her house since her parents are gone and I keep asking her but she says she’s busy or whatever and I was texting her and she says “you can comeover Saturday or Sunday and stay” I just felt like she didn’t want me over and had to say it. I’ve just been feeling really down lately but I feel like she dosen’t feel like listening to my problems and ugh, I don’t know it’s so much to explain. I hate feeling this way. I hate having to stay in this damn house all the time. Going to sleep, sad and pissed off. Great.
I hate nights like these. Annoys and pisses me the fuck off. So, I’m closing my door and ignoring what’s behind it. Laying down, on my phone, watching tv with my cousin. This how I just get by nights like these because I don’t want stupid shit like this making my mood worse.
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